Sex And The Lack Thereof


Sweaty, dirty, crazy, fun sex.

Or so it used to be before children. Before having beautiful little snot monsters, before shredded vaginas, or cut open tummies, we used to enjoy sex. We used to enjoy getting wild in the spur of the moment. Now it’s an entirely different story.

Now, we need about a week to physically and mentally prepare ourselves. I mean, last time I shaved my legs? Judging by the length of the hair, I’ll say it was when my first was born. Two years ago. Okay, maybe not that bad, but it is pretty bad.

Not just the hair, I also don’t like my body anymore. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of my tiger stripes and wouldn’t change them for the world.) I don’t like myself naked right now. My hairy, flabby, exhausted, sometimes smelly, self. The fact that I look like a real life version of Chewbacca doesn’t exactly make me feel desirable anymore.

Let’s just for a minute pretend that I do get to take a nice long shower all by myself (HA!), and I’m able to shave every hairy spot and scrub off all of the boogers and spit up that coat my body, that is one problem solved.

Great. Let’s go to the next problem.

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Kids. The kids that keep me up all night long. The kids that never sleep. How am I supposed to get myself in the mood for some hanky panky when I have two little poop machines constantly attaching themselves to me? After corralling them all day long, scrubbing poop out of the carpet, and just generally trying not to lose my mind, how am I supposed to say, “Ya, I’d love to have sex now, I’m so relaxed.” When was the last time my husband and I were alone? I can’t even tell you. Or even both children asleep at the same time? Call me crazy but sneaking into the other room while one or more of my children are awake is not exactly ideal. The thought that they could just walk in on us and scar their poor little brains for life is kind of a turn off.

Another problem, sore va jay jays and leaky boobs. I’ll group these into one problem. One massive problem. After pushing out babies who ripped you open from butthole to elbow, normally you aren’t thrilled to jump back into the sack anytime soon. For some of us it takes an entire YEAR before we are ready to even try to have sex; and when we do, it HURTS! I really don’t want to do the dirty when it feels like my hoo-ha is being stung by a hive of angry wasps. Then, if you are still nursing your baby, you have to worry about leaky, sore boobs. Nothing is sexier than having boob juice leaking between your bodies causing wet, warm, stickiness.

Basically what I’m saying is, sex is different after you become a mom. I am sure not everyone out there feels the same. Some of you probably have magical vaginas that shoot rainbows out and heal instantly, and some of you have the sex drive of a teenage boy. To you, I say, Good for you and your magic peaches. For the rest of us, just hang in there, sisters. It will probably get better, someday. I hope.

I want to hear from you, do you have a magical vagina? How long did you wait to have sex? How do you make it work? Tell me in the comments!

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Honest K - April 27, 2017 Reply

Can I have a rainbow vagina please? Where do I find those? Can’t be too hard, unicorns and rainbows are all the rage in the UK at the mo.
My mother told me that she had sex 10 days, yes 10 DAYS after birth. What a filthy beast. 10 days?! And my sis in law shot one kid out late January and another early December?! I studied biology for 4 years and I still don’t understand that one.
Must have titanium vaginas. Almost 2 years down the line and sex can still be a bit (t)ouch and go for me, partly thanks to the extra ‘flappy’ bit I gained after the doctor didn’t stitch my ladies tight enough back together (think 3 labias).
Hair I can deal with, mashed up sex organs not so much.
I love your blog, btw, you are hilarious! πŸ™‚

    Super Sirrious Mom - April 27, 2017 Reply

    Hahaha, I’m right there with you!!! 10 days in insane!!!!! She definitely has a unicorn vagina! πŸ˜‚ aaah sorry about your poor vajay jay!! You poor thing!!! Thank you so much for reading!!! I’m glad there is someone out there who thinks I’m funny! πŸ˜‚

    Becca - May 26, 2017 Reply

    10 days!?! No. No. No. All of the Nos. My children are also REALLY close in age so people often look at me puzzled, but I PROMISE that we were not in the 10 day camp. I’m going to be baffled by this until the end of days…

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