Top Four Necessities Every Stay At Home Mom Needs

Being a stay at home mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

I am going to tell you the absolute most important things you will need to survive your job as a stay at home mom.

Number one: Yoga Pants.

Okay, you know what. I am THAT mom. Yes, the mom who is constantly wearing yoga pants. And guess what? I don’t care! Before you roll your eyes at me just hear me out.

Do you know the last time I went to yoga? Probably about two years ago. Just look at my butt, my hips don’t lie. Do you know the last time I wore yoga pants? I’m wearing them right now.

So, why do I wear my yoga pants you ask? Why do I think every stay at home mom needs some of this goodness in their life? Let me give you a few reasons why.

They are comfortable. Have you ever put on a pair of yoga pants? Well, then you know what I am talking about. I am a stay at home mom, do I have to wear tight fitting blue jeans just to get pooped on every day? My jobs are; a maid, a chef, a chauffeur, and so many other jobs. I think I deserve the right to be comfortable while scrubbing other people’s shit out of my toilet.

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I can move in them. Duh, that’s what they are made for. I just use them for It’s nice to be able to bend over to pick up the 100th toy of the day without splitting them up the middle. Have you ever played “horsey” in a pair of jeans or maxi dress? If you have, then you will understand why I wear yoga pants.

Number Two: COFFEE

Yes, this one is a given. Do you need me to elaborate on this one? Without coffee, I am a momster. Do you know how much sleep I got last night? If you are curious please go ahead and read this post.

One morning without coffee and all hell breaks loose. I am talking I CANNOT FUNCTION. Your duties as a mom never end. From the moment you wake up to the moment you fall asleep. And sometimes while you are asleep. When you wake up at six am with the baby and walk into your living room that is filled with toys and clothes and you lay eyes on that sink full of dishes. Trust me, you will want that cup of coffee.

Now, I am not saying you need to drive to your nearest Starbucks and order a $10 triple shot soy macchiato concoction. A $10 coffee pot in your house will do just fine. Besides, I need a cup of coffee before I can operate heavy machinery so even if I were to go to Starbucks every day, I’d still need my coffee at home first.

Number Three: A Hobby

Yes, I hear you. A Hobby? Who has time you a hobby? What am I some sort of magical fairy mom who farts time so I can have a hobby? Okay, calm down. Yes, you have time for a hobby and yes, you need a hobby.

Why? Well, let me tell you. YOU WILL GO ABSOLUTELY BAT SHIT INSANE if you do not find something that is just for you. As a stay at home mom, you dedicate 24 hours a day to your children and your house. That’s 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Sure, maybe at first it doesn’t seem so bad. Then one day you will realize that you have lost yourself. You are a slave to your little minions.

Finding time for a hobby is so important. Important for you and for the safety of your little poop machines. You can find time, I promise. I do not care what the hobby is. If it makes you happy and you do it FOR YOU. Then that’s all you need.

Number Four: Wine

For all of you out there who don’t drink wine or coffee, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m stumped. For the rest of us, trust me, we need wine. Why is wine on this list you ask?

Children.

That’s why.

What is the number one thing that you cannot survive motherhood without? Is it on this list?

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The Power of Pinterest

I completely suck at being a “house wife.” I believe I take pretty good care of my children but I suck at the whole “keep your house clean” thing.

If you look at my personal Pinterest boards, I have about 5,463 pins on things like, How to keep your house spotless and DIY Cleaners that are good for the environment, but let’s be real.  Who the F has time for that?? Why spend five hours making these cleaners that apparently will make your house smell like you fart butterflies, when you could spend that time asleep, or watching family feud?

About an hour before my husband comes home from work everyday, I run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to clean up. I hate cleaning. I run to do the dishes and notice we are out of dishwasher detergent. Son of A F&$# B*%$!!

There is no way in hell I am taking my children to the store. So I decide to look on Pinterest! There has got to be some way I can make some sort of DIY detergent.

Yes there are 11,000 freaking ways to make homemade dishwasher detergents. I start scrolling and noticed I am being sucked in by the power of Pinterest. There must be some secret code written into these pins that hypnotize you. Why make a simple one time dishwasher detergent when you could make 100 eco friendly detergent tabs that smell like lemons and lavender. Yes Pinterest, you are right.  I need to make those, what was I thinking? I totally have time for that.

I find one I like, it has a pretty picture. Ok, ingredients, washing soda. WTF is washing soda?? It’s probably baking soda. Google, is washing soda and baking soda the same thing? No. But you can make washing soda by baking baking soda for an hour. Baking baking soda, are you kidding me?

What else do I need, silicone molds. Oh ok let me just pull those out. Who the hell has washing soda and silicone molds handy at all times? Who am I, Martha freakin’ Stewart?

Next, I do the only thing any married woman with kids would do, I call my mom. Mom do you have any washing soda and silicone molds? Uh, what’s that? I don’t know, it sounds like something old people should have on hand. No, I don’t think so. Crap.

Ok, back to Pinterest to find an easier way to make a quick detergent. I find one that instructs you to use two tablespoons of baking soda, and one teaspoon of dawn and run dishwasher as normal. Perfect I have those ingredients, let’s try it. I start the dishwasher then think, wait won’t the dawn make it all sudsy in here?

Text husband: We were out of dishwasher soap so I made some DIY stuff from Pinterest. I hope it doesn’t get messy. Haha.

He probably thinks, Why the hell did I marry this crazy lady?

It didn’t get messy. It actually kind of worked. I’m not going to lie I really want to make those homemade soaps. I probably won’t, but I want too. Maybe after a bottle of wine I’ll be inspired!

Are you a Pinterest DIY-er? Have you ever had any epic fails? Tell me in the comments!

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How to Clean Poop in 10 Easy Steps

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In my life as a Mom of two I end up cleaning up a lot of poop. I’m talking A LOT OF POOP. Whether it be my two year old pooping in his room, or my 4 month old blowing out her diaper. It’s poop all day every day. I decided to share how to handle this situation, the way a perfect mom would.

Okay, or at least how I would.

Let’s say your two year old just pooped all over his toys and the carpet in his bedroom. Here is how to clean it up in 10 easy steps.

Step 1: Grab a wine glass, fill that wine glass, take a large drink.

Step 2: Grab a  ton of paper towels, every cleaner you can find, and a plastic bag.

Step 3: Take another very large drink of wine

Step 4: Using paper towels grab all solid poopie that you can and insert into plastic bag.
(You may use gloves if you have any)

Step 5: Grab all toys covered in poo that do not need to be saved and insert into plastic bag.
(For me this is all of the toys- none of them are worth saving)

Step 6: Tie plastic bag, and sneak out of the house like you are smuggling 122 lbs of cocaine across the Mexican border. Insert bag into outside dumpster.

I repeat DO NOT GET CAUGHT!

Step 7: Wash hands, gag, and pour more wine.

Step 8: Spray whatever cleaner you have and half ass attempt to scrub poopie out of the carpet. Cover with a towel to “soak” then spray Febreze to cover the stench.

Step 9: Call husband to clean the rest. Tell him you tried your best but you just need him. It’ll make him feel wanted and needed.
(Trust me)

Step 10: Finish that wine, you deserve it.

A few extra tips: Remove Children from the room where the pooping happened. You don’t want to walk in on the two year old drawing a poop mustache on the baby.

That, my friends, is how to clean poopie out of your child’s room in 10 easy steps.

Thank you for reading! Do you have any poop horror stories? Let me know below!

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