Yep, I Just Peed

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After birthing to two massive children, I don’t exactly have the best bladder control. My first child was over nine pounds and my second was right at nine pounds. They scarred me for life. You don’t recover from something like that. (Although I hear there are a few surgical options out there but that’s a discussion for another day.)

I have recently come down with the nasty cold that is going around. Now on top of the runny nose, sneezing, cough, sore throat, swollen eyes, and headaches this miserable cold has brought me, I have to remember to cross my legs constantly. Not cross my legs in a funny way like “you better cross those legs before you get pregnant again.”  But, cross my legs as in, I’m about to sneeze and if I don’t cross my legs the floodgates will open and soak this couch I’m sitting on.

I have a hard enough time holding in my pee when I’m not sick. I mean, I go for a walk and 10 minutes in I realize I have to pee and the rest of the way home I’m waddling like a duck on crack because my pants are soaked. It’s a problem I just can’t hold it like I used to before babies.

The hardest part is standing up and having to sneeze or cough. How do I casually cross my legs and try to hold my pee in without anyone noticing? I guess I’d rather them notice me crossing my legs than me soaking my pants. Maybe I should invest in some sort of adult diapers? I’m not even 30 years old yet and I need to worry about peeing my pants. I need to think about wearing an ultra thick extra long maxi pad when I’m not even on my period. What the hell is this!?

Here is my advice, ladies. Just kidding I have none. I don’t know what to do. I just know it’s a problem and it sucks. Every time I sneeze I pee a little. Sometimes I pee a lot. That is just the way it is, I guess. Yet another glorious part of being woman!

Is this a problem for all of you mama’s out there? Or am I a weirdo that should go to the doctor because I have a problem?? Let me know in the comments!

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Let’s talk about poop

Poop, is a subject no one wants to talk about, yet it is something we all do. Stinky, nasty, poop.

Let’s take a minute and talk about the hardest poop of a new mother’s life. That first poop. The first poop after you finally push that giant bundle of joy out of your hoodie hoo (or have it cut out of your tummy.) If you have given birth, you know what I am talking about. Yeah, THAT poop. Before becoming pregnant, you hear all of the horror stories. “I tore and got 4,325 stitches” or “I was in labor for 40 days and 40 nights and ended up with an emergency c-section,” but they all end the same way.  “As soon as I held that beautiful baby in my arms all of the pain disappeared.” That really is true.  You don’t notice your guts hanging out, or your vag is tore to shreds.  You just know you have that perfect little human in your arms, but that’s where the stories stop.  They don’t tell you what happens once you are home.

You get home, you are sore, tired, and trying to figure out life with that new baby. It’s been a couple of days and you notice that ache in your tummy. You think to yourself “When was the last time I pooped? Have I been taking my stool softeners? I don’t even know what year it is anymore, let alone the last time I took my meds or took a massive poopie.” So, you pop a couple of stool softeners, what’s the worse that could happen?

Okay, it’s coming, poop time. Your baby starts to scream, and your husband is nowhere to be found. Alright, give baby a boob then go poop. Nope, it’s coming now, you are prairie doggin’. Alright, baby must come with to the toilet, he/she can nurse, you can poop, it has to happen. You know it’s gross but there is no other option. All you need to do now is just give a little push and all will be…OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS PAIN?! Holy crap, I feel like Darth Vader just jumped out of the toilet and cut my cooter open again with his lightsaber. I have to poop so bad, how do I do this?? I’m on the toilet, nursing my baby, crying from pain, trying to poop. I think to myself, I can do this, I am one tough biotch, ain’t no sore coochy gonna stop me from getting that sweet relief that I so deserve. Little push, ow, little push, oh, sweet baby Jesus it’s happening, Tears of joy, run down my face.

Fast forward to the middle of the night, when you are again, breastfeeding your baby. Then it really hits, your stomach growls so loud the neighbors dog started howling. You run into the bathroom, trying to pull down your pants. Explosion city starts to happen before you can even sit all of the way down. Lord almighty, those stitches are torn now. I probably should have only taken one stool softener. Lesson learned.

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Two hours pass, and I am finally done. My poor bum. My poor va-jay-jay. My poor toilet.
So, if you are expecting a baby anytime soon, just keep this in the back of your mind. It’s going to happen. It’s probably going to hurt, but you just have to poo.

Did this happen to you? Tell me your horror stories below!

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