A Letter To My Husband on Father’s Day

With Father’s Day upon us I would like to take a minute to say a little bit about my husband. The father of my children and the most important man in my life.

Dear Husband,

Thank you. I know I do not say this enough. You go to work every day and bust your butt so we can have an amazing life. Thank you for allowing me to be a stay at home mom with our children. Thank you for supporting me and helping me follow my dreams.
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You do so much more than work though. You do all of the hard things that I won’t. Like, clean up vomit. Not only the kids and the dogs but mine too. I don’t even have to ask and for this, I thank you. Thank you for doing all of the gross work.

 
You don’t know how much I appreciate every single back rub. (Yes, I know I ask every single night.) You only give me a few groans but you still do it. After dealing with the kids all day it’s so nice to be spoiled by you. I know you deserve a back rub too, I swear someday I’ll get to it.

Thank you for loving me even though I am not the same woman you met ten years ago. I can no longer fit into those little outfits I used to wear. I have stretch marks that look like a map of the United States. You still love me, you still make me feel beautiful, and you don’t comment when I haven’t shaved my legs in a month. I appreciate that.

 
Thank you for always having my back. When it comes to my parenting methods, my family, your family, or just in general, you always support me. I know I am not the easiest person to deal with and you only sometimes make fun of my awkwardness. For that, I love you even more.

 

I am so in love with how much you love our children. You are the best father in the world and they adore you. (M always pulling your beard and ripping your glasses off is her way of saying, I love you, Daddy.) The kids are crazy all of the time. Where was I going with that? Oh, they are crazy but they love you. Even if you think they don’t show it.

 
Thank you for being patient with me. In all aspects of our marriage. I know you don’t get much you time. Just know that I notice. I don’t give you as much attention and I did before our kids, okay you hardly get any at all. I swear someday I will figure it out.

 
There is so much more I could say but our kids are waking up and ain’t nobody got time for that.
I love you, babycakes!
Do you have an amazing man in your life?? Tell me about him!

Father's Day

 

Three Tips For A First Time Mom

What Every Second Time Mom Wishes Every First Time Mom Knew.

If you are a mom, then you have been there. The dreaded “first time mom” that everyone jokes about. You are overprotective and over tired. You don’t want anyone to know that you are struggling. With that, you’d rather eat a dirty diaper than hear I told you so.

I was this mom. I didn’t want anyone to think that I couldn’t do this. For some reason I wanted everyone to look at me and think damn, she really has it together. It wasn’t until I gave birth to my second child that I realized I was an idiot.

Now, I know that we all need to make our mistakes as a first time mom. We have to suffer from first time mom syndrome, as I like to call it. Looking back, there are a few things I wish I would have done differently. Not huge regrets, but simple things that could have made me a better mom at times.

Accept Help

Alright, listen here mama. You either just pushed a gigantic baby out of your magical fun box or your stomach was completely sliced through and a baby was pulled out of your body. Yes, you are going to need a bit of help.

I was so neurotic that I wouldn’t let my mom take my son out of the room when it was time for me to get some sleep. I rarely accepted the opportunity to shower. If people offered to come over and help I usually declined.

Why?

First, I had undiagnosed PPD. It was so hard for me to let other people around my child. I felt like every person who came to visit was trying to take my baby from me.

Second, my son was born with small muscular VSD (heart murmur and hole in his heart) I never wanted to leave his side.

Third, I didn’t want anyone to think that I couldn’t do it on my own. I was afraid people would think my husband and I couldn’t handle a baby. That they would go to the hair parlor sipping pink lemonade and whisper, you know she had to have her sister come over and hold that baby just so she could wash her smelly vag and shove food in her face. Back in my day, I showered while holding the baby and cooking dinner at the same time. That happens, I’m sure of it.

So please, accept a little help when you need it. If someone offered to bring you dinner, take it! Your sister wants to clean your house? Let her! It doesn’t make you any less of a mom if you accept help while raising your first child.

Stand Your Ground

Now, this won’t be as long because it’s fairly simple and something I wish I would have done more. I’m going to say it loud and clear so you get it the first time.

DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SAY NO!

There are so many situations that I wish I would have stood my ground. I wish I would have spoken up. I don’t care what the situation is. Don’t want visitors, tell them NO. ( I know it seems condescending with the above advice.) A lot of times you will deeply regret not saying no when you feel you should have. Don’t worry about other people’s feelings. Worry about you and your baby.

Own That Shit.

You are a first time mom. Chances are every little thing will worry you and chances are there will be someone there to laugh at you.

If you feel you need to go to the doctor three days a week because you are sure there is something wrong with your baby who slept two hours longer today. Do it. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad. Be loud and proud.
You WILL suffer from first-time mom syndrome, as it is your right to do so. Don’t feel bad, don’t feel inadequate. If needed use the following phrase, “kiss my ass.”

We all learn as we go. Yes, the rumors are true about what changes when you have your second child. We become some sort of seasoned mom pro. So take my advice new moms, or don’t, I know I wouldn’t have.

What lessons did you learn as a second-time mom? Did you suffer from First Time Mom Syndrome? Tell me in the comments!

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How To Give Mom The Perfect Mother’s Day

What Mom Really Wants For Mother’s Day


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Mother’s Day. The day that comes around once a year where everyone is obligated to tell Mom how much they love her.

Now, I’m going to be honest, I love Mother’s Day. I love a day that is supposed to celebrate me, a mom. To me, it’s not really about the gifts. (Okay, I won’t lie, I love receiving gifts.) It’s more about the fact that everyone has to try to be nice to me all day long!

I’m going to give you a list of ideas that you can’t fit in a little bag.

  1. Clean The House. I mean REALLY clean the house. Last Mother’s Day, my husband had our carpets professionally cleaned. I’ve never been more turned on. Seriously though, have you ever listened to your wife/mom complain about how she is CONSTANTLY cleaning?

Here’s how you execute this.

Wake up before she does and clean the house. If you are planning on making her breakfast, that’s awesome. I love when other people cook for me. BUT I do not like the mess other people make while cooking. I can’t relax while eating my Mother’s Day breakfast while sitting at the table staring at the mountain of dishes in the sink.
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2. Plan The Day. This is SO important. Don’t make Mom wake up on her special day and then say so, what do you want to do today? Nothing says, I put no thought into this day like asking Mom, on the day of, what she wants to do.

It’s pretty simple actually.

You should know mom better than anyone, and chances are if she’s anything like me she’s dropped some hints about what she wants to do on her special day. So, plan it for her. Does she want to get a pedicure in peace? Call and schedule it for her! Tell her that you have the kids and she has an appointment to go relax. Does she want to do something as a family? Go to brunch? Hike? PLAN IT. Plan a picnic, get ready before the big day! Don’t make her do any of the work.

3. Let Her Use The Bathroom Alone. Every single time. You read that right, one full day of letting mommy pee, poop, and shower all alone. By alone, I don’t mean have the kids standing outside of the door screaming at her. I’m talking quiet, alone, non-rushed, bathroom time. Let her do what dad gets to do every day!

Do you know how often, as a mom, I get to use the bathroom by myself?

Maybe, and I mean maybe once a day. Trust me when I say it’s not easy to poop when you have two kids running around the bathroom, yelling at you, ripping the towels out of the closet. Or when you can hear them screaming for mommy even though you left them with daddy. It’s important to remember to not make mommy feel bad for wanting to wash her hair alone.

4. Tend To The Children. If Mom is a stay at home mom then there is a good chance that all she does all day is wipe butts, kiss boo-boos, and obviously, take care of the kids.

Do this for her.

Baby pooped? Change that diaper immediately! Is the toddler screaming in the kitchen for a snack? Get up and get him one. Let Mama relax for one day, it may seem so simple but to her, it is a huge deal!

These simple steps will help Mama have the best day ever.

Of course, you can go above and beyond with simple steps like these. Do you know what would start my morning off just right? Have coffee made before I wake up. I’m getting all excited just thinking about that!

Remember Mother’s Day does not have to be expensive. I mean it can be, I don’t mind that either. Most of the time it’s the thought that counts! Make that special mom in your life feel special. Doesn’t she deserve it?

What do you like to do for Mother’s Day? Sit around and chill with the family? Have a day to yourself at the spa? Let me know in the comments!

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Why Are Moms Always So Tired?

Being a mom comes with a guarantee that you will be tired for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Okay, I’m not sure about the rest of your life because my oldest child is two. I am convinced though, I may never sleep again.

My youngest is about seven months old now and finally sleeping through the night. She only woke up about three-four times last night for a boobie. Alright, so maybe she doesn’t sleep through the night. Why do I keep telling people that? She doesn’t wake up screaming anymore and doesn’t need to be rocked, bounced, swung, fed, changed, and the witness of an animal sacrifice just to fall back asleep. Thank God, we were running out of chickens.

So WHY am I still so tired? I mean my daughter usually wakes up between 5-6 am and my son usually wakes up between 6-7 am. With my daughter only waking up three-four times at night that should be plenty of rest, right?

Now that I think of it, I am getting plenty of rest. We start our bedtime routine at 7 pm usually. I don’t have super-mom powers, so sometimes it’s 8 pm..9 pm. Whatever, quit judging me. It doesn’t matter what time I start our bedtime routine because my son HATES SLEEP. If we happen to start our routine at seven and are in bed before eight, my son will usually fall asleep pretty quick. By pretty quick I mean around midnight.

Let’s recap. I’m getting plenty of sleep.

Falling asleep around midnight,  waking up three-four times with the baby throughout the night, then waking up between 5 and 6 am. Okay, I am seriously not seeing the problem. Even if I was not getting enough sleep at night it’s not like I do anything during the day except lay around. I’m a stay at home mom for goodness sake.

The only things I do all day with the kids is feed, bathe, dress, play with, teach, read to, care for, and change their diapers. Then I only do a few things around the house, such as cook, clean, laundry, dishes, vacuum, and sweep. None of these few things I do all day are tiring. I should have plenty of energy to accomplish those things I might do that day.
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I absolutely can not wrap my mind around why I am so tired! Maybe I am oversleeping. Maybe I have too much time to myself. I can usually go pee by myself once a day and get a shower every three days. That has to be the problem. I am relaxing too much. A body at rest tends to stay at rest, right? I’m pretty sure I just hit you with some physics.

I guess I will never know why I am so damn tired. It’s okay though, that is why God invented coffee. That is why God invented Starbucks. God invented coffee for moms. For lazy moms who oversleep and do nothing, like me!

Are you a tired mom? Are you like me and have absolutely no idea why you are so tired? Tell me in the comments!

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Need a tool to help you do some half-assed cleaning? Here ya go!

Why are Moms always so tired?

How I Stopped Laundry From Controlling My Life

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That’s it! I quit! HOW IN THE HELL IS THERE SO MUCH LAUNDRY IN MY HOUSE? There are four of us total. For shits sake, I hardly ever change my clothes (Gross, I know.) I can wear the same pair of yoga pants for 3 days straight. So how in the hell are these three baskets full of dirty clothes? How does every room in the house have piles of clothes that my baby can get lost in?

I swear, I wash and I wash and I wash. I feel like all I do all day, every day is wash, dry, sometimes fold, and repeat. (Don’t even mention ironing, if you ask me to iron your clothes I’ll punch you in the face.)

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I am no good at lying, and as a result you’ve probably noticed by now I hate cleaning. Even if I did enjoy it, I am not very good at any of it. I don’t pretreat stains. Hell, I don’t even check pockets. I once washed and dried crayons. As a result it was a massive disaster ruining all sorts of clothes. One time I accidentally washed the remote control because I didn’t shake out the blanket. Hubby wasn’t very happy about that one.

People must break into my house while I’m sleeping, wear my families clothes, then take them off and throw them on the floor. That has to be it. Neither of my kids can dress/undress themselves so how is this happening?

Folding, don’t even get me started on folding. Who has time for this?! It seems like I really do try. I set the laundry basket out, separate a few items, walk away, forget what I was doing, get back to it the next day.

My husband has to have clean, wrinkle-free clothes for work, so I actually do try to put a little effort into his work clothes. Again, I usually fail epically but it’s the thought that counts right?

Therefore I have decided to just say “suck it” to the laundry. I’m not doing it anymore. So I’ll wash and try to remember to dry in the same day. I think that’s probably good enough. I’ll throw the clean clothes onto my son’s bed because he doesn’t sleep on it. We can dig through and find what we need. I’ll use that time I’m saving to have a little “me time” which includes wine and Steve Harvey. I really think I deserve it.

Does anyone else have this problem? Are you on top of your laundry or does it rule your house?

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Motherhood is Messy

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Being a mother is the greatest job in the world. It is also one of the messiest. It starts from the moment that tiny, little baby is pulled from your body. The doctor holds the baby up for you to see. You are overwhelmed with a sense of love and all of the sudden there is pee squirting you in the face.

There is a joke in my family that the first time your baby pees on you it means that you are being initiated into parenthood. Little do you know that getting peed on once will turn into getting peed on at least once a day for the next 18 years. (I’m assuming- because my son is two and potty trained and he still somehow manages to get pee on me.) It’s not only pee, babies poop A LOT. Not cute, little poops that you imagine would come from a tiny, little angel. They are mustard yellow poops that spray out like a machine gun and stain your walls.

Besides being covered in poop, pee, and boogers, you will probably be covered in some of your child’s food. Whether it be breast milk from your leaking tatas or disgusting diarrhea green, pureed peas, it will somehow end up on your shirt, in your hair, in your shoes, or up your nose. Therefor, you will constantly be walking around smelling like some sort of old food.

Now aside from things that your child can cover you in, let’s talk about how messy your child can make your house. I mean holy hell, have you seen a toddler’s bedroom? Toys cover the ground forming a giant stuffed animal mountain that could probably protect you from a nuclear blast. Spilled bags of cheerios are covering the floor just inviting the mice to come have a sleep over, and there is a boobie trap of Legos blocking you from entering the stuffed animal bunker.

 

Somehow you have to do eight loads of laundry a day, just to be able to cross your living room. Doing the dishes twice a day is nowhere near enough. So they cover the counters, the tables, the floors, for some god-forsaken reason there are bowls behind the couch. Seriously though, why?

At the end of the day, you finally have the choice to go to sleep or wash that disgusting baby food off yourself and clean up the house. Naturally you choose sleep. Who cares if it’s a dirty house? Who cares if you smell like you were rolling in garbage? I don’t care. I won’t judge you.

In conclusion, yes, Motherhood is messy, but it’s worth it.

Is your house a mess? Or are you a magical creature who can constantly keep her home clean? Tell me in the comments!

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Chores, How young is too young?

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I am CONSTANTLY fighting with my two year old about cleaning his room. This is the one chore he will fight me to the death on. He ALWAYS wins. Why? Because he’s a little shit, and I am weak. His favorite game is to pull out every toy and book he can find and then throw them on the floor or in the crib. When I ask him to put the books away, he usually responds with, “No, how ‘bout you do it, Mommy.”

WTF? How am I taking orders from a two year old?? I always give in because I’m tired of walking into his room, stepping on a Lego and falling face first into a bowl of two day old cereal. Every now and then, he obliges and will half-ass clean up. (I can’t really blame him on that part, I half-ass clean everything.) It makes me so proud and so happy and I really try to show him that. I just wish it would happen more often.

He LOVES to help me with laundry. He likes to take the clothes out of the washer and put them into the dryer and then take them out of the dryer and into the basket. It makes the process about 100 times longer, but what the heck, he wants to help so I let him! He also likes to help unload the dishwasher. This one is a little trickier because I have to get anything sharp and breakable away from him as soon as possible. He will pick up anything he can reach and hand it to me to put away. Again, it makes doing the dishes about 100 times longer, but it’s worth it.

Did I mention that my son is a technological genius? He can pick up any phone/tablet and navigate to YouTube and watch his “Daddy Finger” videos. He can also get to any game and figure out how to play it within minutes. If my son can pick up an electronic that I’ve had for years, (and haven’t figured out how to use) and learn to use it in 5 minutes or less, he can clean his damn room. A few months after turning two, my sweet little boy turned into a bossy terrible two year old. I think I let him get away with too much. No more, it stops here.

When he wakes up from his nap, he is marching straight into his room and picking up all of his toys. Then he will grab a mop and get to work in the kitchen. No more free rides around here. He is two years old. He needs to learn that life is hard. It’s time learn that there are no freebies in life. You want that PAW Patrol yogurt for a snack, get to cleanin’ son. I’m not entirely sure what other cleaning I can have him do. But this has to teach him some responsibility right?

What types of chores do your children do and at what ages did they start? Is two too young? Am I going to be turned in for being a child slave laborer?

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The Power of Pinterest

I completely suck at being a “house wife.” I believe I take pretty good care of my children but I suck at the whole “keep your house clean” thing.

If you look at my personal Pinterest boards, I have about 5,463 pins on things like, How to keep your house spotless and DIY Cleaners that are good for the environment, but let’s be real.  Who the F has time for that?? Why spend five hours making these cleaners that apparently will make your house smell like you fart butterflies, when you could spend that time asleep, or watching family feud?

About an hour before my husband comes home from work everyday, I run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to clean up. I hate cleaning. I run to do the dishes and notice we are out of dishwasher detergent. Son of A F&$# B*%$!!

There is no way in hell I am taking my children to the store. So I decide to look on Pinterest! There has got to be some way I can make some sort of DIY detergent.

Yes there are 11,000 freaking ways to make homemade dishwasher detergents. I start scrolling and noticed I am being sucked in by the power of Pinterest. There must be some secret code written into these pins that hypnotize you. Why make a simple one time dishwasher detergent when you could make 100 eco friendly detergent tabs that smell like lemons and lavender. Yes Pinterest, you are right.  I need to make those, what was I thinking? I totally have time for that.

I find one I like, it has a pretty picture. Ok, ingredients, washing soda. WTF is washing soda?? It’s probably baking soda. Google, is washing soda and baking soda the same thing? No. But you can make washing soda by baking baking soda for an hour. Baking baking soda, are you kidding me?

What else do I need, silicone molds. Oh ok let me just pull those out. Who the hell has washing soda and silicone molds handy at all times? Who am I, Martha freakin’ Stewart?

Next, I do the only thing any married woman with kids would do, I call my mom. Mom do you have any washing soda and silicone molds? Uh, what’s that? I don’t know, it sounds like something old people should have on hand. No, I don’t think so. Crap.

Ok, back to Pinterest to find an easier way to make a quick detergent. I find one that instructs you to use two tablespoons of baking soda, and one teaspoon of dawn and run dishwasher as normal. Perfect I have those ingredients, let’s try it. I start the dishwasher then think, wait won’t the dawn make it all sudsy in here?

Text husband: We were out of dishwasher soap so I made some DIY stuff from Pinterest. I hope it doesn’t get messy. Haha.

He probably thinks, Why the hell did I marry this crazy lady?

It didn’t get messy. It actually kind of worked. I’m not going to lie I really want to make those homemade soaps. I probably won’t, but I want too. Maybe after a bottle of wine I’ll be inspired!

Are you a Pinterest DIY-er? Have you ever had any epic fails? Tell me in the comments!

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How to Clean Poop in 10 Easy Steps

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In my life as a Mom of two I end up cleaning up a lot of poop. I’m talking A LOT OF POOP. Whether it be my two year old pooping in his room, or my 4 month old blowing out her diaper. It’s poop all day every day. I decided to share how to handle this situation, the way a perfect mom would.

Okay, or at least how I would.

Let’s say your two year old just pooped all over his toys and the carpet in his bedroom. Here is how to clean it up in 10 easy steps.

Step 1: Grab a wine glass, fill that wine glass, take a large drink.

Step 2: Grab a  ton of paper towels, every cleaner you can find, and a plastic bag.

Step 3: Take another very large drink of wine

Step 4: Using paper towels grab all solid poopie that you can and insert into plastic bag.
(You may use gloves if you have any)

Step 5: Grab all toys covered in poo that do not need to be saved and insert into plastic bag.
(For me this is all of the toys- none of them are worth saving)

Step 6: Tie plastic bag, and sneak out of the house like you are smuggling 122 lbs of cocaine across the Mexican border. Insert bag into outside dumpster.

I repeat DO NOT GET CAUGHT!

Step 7: Wash hands, gag, and pour more wine.

Step 8: Spray whatever cleaner you have and half ass attempt to scrub poopie out of the carpet. Cover with a towel to “soak” then spray Febreze to cover the stench.

Step 9: Call husband to clean the rest. Tell him you tried your best but you just need him. It’ll make him feel wanted and needed.
(Trust me)

Step 10: Finish that wine, you deserve it.

A few extra tips: Remove Children from the room where the pooping happened. You don’t want to walk in on the two year old drawing a poop mustache on the baby.

That, my friends, is how to clean poopie out of your child’s room in 10 easy steps.

Thank you for reading! Do you have any poop horror stories? Let me know below!

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