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So, the sleeping arrangements at our house don’t make any sense. I have two children; a two-year old boy who we will call “E” and a 4 month old girl who we will call “M.” They each have their own beds in their own rooms. Neither of them use those beds. E has pretty much always slept with us. He is a major mama’s boy. My poor husband, hasn’t had a good nights sleep (or snuggle with his wife) in over two years.
E likes to sleep on my face, literally. He has this need to constantly be touching me at night. I’m sure this is my fault, but I thought it started out has him being funny, then it never stopped. Every single night. My face is his security blanket. Too top it off, now he’s going through a phase where he stays up until 1:00am climbing the walls like a monkey on crack.
M likes to sleep next to me (optimum boobie access) which makes it pretty convenient for me as well. My main problem with this arrangement is my wild child keeps waking up my cranky baby. So Daddy (bless his heart) takes M into the living room and puts her in the swing and sleeps on the couch.
Once Daddy and baby are gone, E and I go through our night-time songs, kissing every stinky toe, and the 812 sips of water he suddenly needs before he finally quiets down. At this point, it’s probably around 2:00am. I don’t know for sure. I’m always too tired to check. I just want some damn sleep.
I feel myself falling asleep, drifting of into what is probably some sort of coma. God knows I could use that much sleep! (Have you seen the dark bags under my eyes?) All of the sudden, I am awoken to E crawling on my face yelling, “MOMMY, I NEED HELP! HELP ME!!!”
I jump up like a bat out of hell.
“WHAT’S WRONG?!?” “WHAT? TELL ME NOW!”
“Mommy, help me pick my booger, I can’t get it.”
Are you freaking kidding me?? You woke me up from the four hours of sleep tonight that I might get, for a BOOGER?
“Oh, look I got it.” He says as he examines this booger as if he had just struck gold.
Then the wheels must have started turning in his tiny little brain and he must have thought to himself, What can I really do to top this off? To really send mom over the edge? Oh, I know. Then he does it.
“Here Mommy” he says ever so sweetly while wiping this big juicy booger on my arm.
You know what I did about it? NOTHING. I’m not getting out of bed to wash off this gargantuan booger, only to discover I’m only covered in more of his bodily fluids. I’m going to use those few minutes to go back to sleep, and worry about it in the morning. Is it gross? Yes. It is lazy on my part? Probably. Do I care? No. A little booger never hurt anyone right?
That, my friends, is the disturbing truth about being a mom.
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