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Yep, I Just Peed

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After birthing to two massive children, I don’t exactly have the best bladder control. My first child was over nine pounds and my second was right at nine pounds. They scarred me for life. You don’t recover from something like that. (Although I hear there are a few surgical options out there but that’s a discussion for another day.)

I have recently come down with the nasty cold that is going around. Now on top of the runny nose, sneezing, cough, sore throat, swollen eyes, and headaches this miserable cold has brought me, I have to remember to cross my legs constantly. Not cross my legs in a funny way like “you better cross those legs before you get pregnant again.”  But, cross my legs as in, I’m about to sneeze and if I don’t cross my legs the floodgates will open and soak this couch I’m sitting on.

I have a hard enough time holding in my pee when I’m not sick. I mean, I go for a walk and 10 minutes in I realize I have to pee and the rest of the way home I’m waddling like a duck on crack because my pants are soaked. It’s a problem I just can’t hold it like I used to before babies.

The hardest part is standing up and having to sneeze or cough. How do I casually cross my legs and try to hold my pee in without anyone noticing? I guess I’d rather them notice me crossing my legs than me soaking my pants. Maybe I should invest in some sort of adult diapers? I’m not even 30 years old yet and I need to worry about peeing my pants. I need to think about wearing an ultra thick extra long maxi pad when I’m not even on my period. What the hell is this!?

Here is my advice, ladies. Just kidding I have none. I don’t know what to do. I just know it’s a problem and it sucks. Every time I sneeze I pee a little. Sometimes I pee a lot. That is just the way it is, I guess. Yet another glorious part of being woman!

Is this a problem for all of you mama’s out there? Or am I a weirdo that should go to the doctor because I have a problem?? Let me know in the comments!

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Chores, How young is too young?

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I am CONSTANTLY fighting with my two year old about cleaning his room. This is the one chore he will fight me to the death on. He ALWAYS wins. Why? Because he’s a little shit, and I am weak. His favorite game is to pull out every toy and book he can find and then throw them on the floor or in the crib. When I ask him to put the books away, he usually responds with, “No, how ‘bout you do it, Mommy.”

WTF? How am I taking orders from a two year old?? I always give in because I’m tired of walking into his room, stepping on a Lego and falling face first into a bowl of two day old cereal. Every now and then, he obliges and will half-ass clean up. (I can’t really blame him on that part, I half-ass clean everything.) It makes me so proud and so happy and I really try to show him that. I just wish it would happen more often.

He LOVES to help me with laundry. He likes to take the clothes out of the washer and put them into the dryer and then take them out of the dryer and into the basket. It makes the process about 100 times longer, but what the heck, he wants to help so I let him! He also likes to help unload the dishwasher. This one is a little trickier because I have to get anything sharp and breakable away from him as soon as possible. He will pick up anything he can reach and hand it to me to put away. Again, it makes doing the dishes about 100 times longer, but it’s worth it.

Did I mention that my son is a technological genius? He can pick up any phone/tablet and navigate to YouTube and watch his “Daddy Finger” videos. He can also get to any game and figure out how to play it within minutes. If my son can pick up an electronic that I’ve had for years, (and haven’t figured out how to use) and learn to use it in 5 minutes or less, he can clean his damn room. A few months after turning two, my sweet little boy turned into a bossy terrible two year old. I think I let him get away with too much. No more, it stops here.

When he wakes up from his nap, he is marching straight into his room and picking up all of his toys. Then he will grab a mop and get to work in the kitchen. No more free rides around here. He is two years old. He needs to learn that life is hard. It’s time learn that there are no freebies in life. You want that PAW Patrol yogurt for a snack, get to cleanin’ son. I’m not entirely sure what other cleaning I can have him do. But this has to teach him some responsibility right?

What types of chores do your children do and at what ages did they start? Is two too young? Am I going to be turned in for being a child slave laborer?

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You Can’t Pour From An Empty Cup

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Have you ever heard the saying, ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup?’ I’m here to tell you that I think that is BS. If you are a mother, you can pour from an empty cup. You HAVE to pour from an empty cup because sometimes you ARE an empty cup!

I’ve recently put this to the test. My five month old daughter was hospitalized for RSV. It was the most stressful week of my life. I got a total of 5 hours of sleep in 3 days. (Not an exaggeration.) I hardly ate or drank anything the entire time we were in the hospital because I was there by myself most of the time. I handled almost everything alone. My cup was empty, I was empty. But somehow, I kept pouring. Every little thing my daughter needed I was there. I was alert. Delirious, but alert. I never let her see how tired and beat down I was.

As I sat there in the hospital bed with my baby girl, covered in her vomit and mucus, all I could think was how I would do anything in the world to keep her safe. How even though, I feel I have nothing to give, I would still give everything I could to her. My body was so tired from no sleep, and sharing a hospital bed with my baby, but if she wanted to be held, I held her. If she wanted to nurse, I nursed her. If she wanted to play, I played with her. I have no idea how I was able to do this. No idea how I didn’t just pass out on the floor and die. I really thought I was going too.

This is why moms are superheroes. We defy the odds. We go against the laws of nature. If it comes down to it, we don’t need sleep. Moms don’t need to eat. We don’t need to shower. A mother will do WHATEVER it takes to keep our little ones safe. Even if that means giving more than we have to give.

I know, I know, when given the opportunity we need to take care of ourselves. But in a situation like this, there was no taking care of myself, and somehow I still was able to give. I hit rock bottom, then kept digging. Because I am a mom. I’ll never stop. I’ll never quit. I will drink a cup of nasty hospital coffee and force myself to squeeze a drop of something into my “cup”.

When God created women he put something in our hearts that activates when we become a mother. Something that kicks in when our children need us. He created us to be able to give when we have nothing. I can’t tell you how it works. I can’t give you advice on how to keep on giving. It’s just something inside of us that happens. Most of all it happens when you love someone more than you love yourself.

This is why I believe you CAN pour from an empty cup.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? Have you ever felt like an empty cup? Let me know in the comments!

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What The F!

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In my house, I like to think that we really try to not curse around our children. We fail epically but at least we “try” right?

My two year old son is like a mocking bird. He acts like he’s not listening but he is. You will say something, and then a few hours later he is repeating exactly what you said. Maybe this is a trait that will help him later in life, who knows. For now, it’s bad because every time you slip he is listening, just waiting for his opportunity to make you feel like a bad parent.

One day, my sister-in-law and I were sitting in the living room while my son was playing on my phone. ( I know, another great parenting moment.)  We were in the middle of a very serious conversation, I’m sure, when my dog decides she needs to go outside. My sister-in-law hops up and opens the door, my pain in the butt dog runs outside then runs right back inside. She really is obnoxious, I mean it takes a lot of energy to stand up and let a dog outside right?

We continue our conversation and about two minutes later my dog is at the door barking again, wanting to go outside. My SIL jumps up and yells, “Rugar, what the F!” She really did just say F.

Then my son, who hasn’t said a word in half an hour, even when we were talking to him looks up and yells, “Rugar, What the F*&@!!”  He DID NOT just say F!

I turned away from my son laughing so hard that I almost peed my pants. (yes, another great parenting moment.) We really did try to hide our laughter, but I just couldn’t. After several minutes, I was able to compose myself and explain to him that the F word is a bad word.

It’s then when you really feel like a great mom. Where did he hear that? Do I really say that word around him often? I really try not too! He probably heard it from someone else. I’ll go with that because It makes me feel better about myself. Also, it’s extremely embarrassing. What if we were at church? What if we were at play group? What would other moms think of me?! Thankfully it was my sister in law who was there, who wasn’t judging me…out loud anyway.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever slipped and your child repeated it at the worst time? Tell me in the comments!

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Valentine’s Day After Having Kids









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Valentine’s Day with my husband used to be fun. We used to live in the big city, and we would always go to our favorite seafood restaurant.  (We were never overly romantic, getting messy with crab legs was romantic enough for us.) We would fill our bellies with delicious crab legs and giant mixed drinks that make it hard to walk once you’ve finished. Afterwards, my husband would usually surprise me with a new piece of jewelry, and we would go wherever the night took us.

Now we live in a tiny town where no one offers decent crab legs. We also have two children. For some reason now we act about 15 years older than we really are. I’m not kidding. We watch Family Feud every night. My husband and I go on a date maybe once every two or three months. Yes, I know, wife of the year award should go to me. It’s so hard to find the time or energy to go anywhere together.

Needless to say, the last several Valentine’s days have been uneventful. We made our own tradition of having crab legs at home. (My husband is an amazing seafood cook, thank the good Lord.) I haven’t been able to have a drink with liquor in it in over three years, and if I had one now I’d probably just end up pregnant again. So I usually get a nice water bottle, or if I’m feeling crazy a cup of lemonade. We top the night off with watching cartoons in bed, me sneaking chocolate, and wondering where my newest diamond is? Just kidding, sort of.

Although, I may long for the days of sipping ice-cold blended alcohol while taking pictures to show off my newest diamond earrings, having Valentine’s dinner at home with my kids is kind of fun. It’s our new tradition. It may not be romantic at all.  We may not get any alone time,  but it’s fun. It’s ours.

Let’s be real, as long as my husband brings me chocolate I don’t really care what we do for Valentine’s day. I am a chocoholic and I could sit on the sofa shoving my face full of delicious boxed chocolates watching Family Feud all night. You know what, that is exactly what I want to do after our “romantic” Valentine’s dinner. Just leave me alone with chocolate and Steve Harvey and I’ll be the happiest woman in the world.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

What do you do for Valentine’s day? Go on a romantic date? Involve your kids? Let me know in the comments!

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Teething and Breastfeeding

Teething And Breastfeeding

My daughter is 4 months old and decided to get two bottom teeth at the same time. It is a fun little milestone, “Oh, my baby got her first tooth!” But it’s not very fun when you are a nursing mother.

I exclusively nurse my daughter.  She hardly ever takes a bottle, which didn’t bother me a bit. That is, until she got her first teeth. Those little razor sharp teeth of death erupted over night and they HURT SO BAD.

I swear, either she is trying to show me that she is in charge or she thinks my boob is a big hunk of the juiciest steak.  She likes to sink those little teeth right into my nipple and she isn’t satisfied until I’m screaming out in pain! Then she looks up and smiles at me with those big, beautiful eyes, like she knew she was causing me pain but she doesn’t care.

I now have the fear that every time my little one latches on it will be the last time I ever see my nipple attached to my body. When my boobs see my daughter coming for them, they automatically invert and hide behind my spine.

I put a teether in my baby’s mouth and she grabs it and throws it as far away from herself as she can. I think she really prefers the taste of flesh.  She constantly keeps her fist in her mouth; how she doesn’t bite herself into a bloody mess is beyond me. If it’s not her fist, she wants me in her mouth. I must have boobs of the gods, they soothe the pain, relax, and fill the belly. I just wish she would understand, biting mommy’s god-like boobies isn’t nice.

This is just another thing that makes women so badass. We can handle so much pain that most men don’t even know about. Does it stop us from breastfeeding? No way.  It’s just pain. If she bites my nipple off, oh well, I’ll grow another one. I think that’s how it works.

Have you ever fed a teething baby? Tell me your stories!

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The Power of Pinterest

I completely suck at being a “house wife.” I believe I take pretty good care of my children but I suck at the whole “keep your house clean” thing.

If you look at my personal Pinterest boards, I have about 5,463 pins on things like, How to keep your house spotless and DIY Cleaners that are good for the environment, but let’s be real.  Who the F has time for that?? Why spend five hours making these cleaners that apparently will make your house smell like you fart butterflies, when you could spend that time asleep, or watching family feud?

About an hour before my husband comes home from work everyday, I run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to clean up. I hate cleaning. I run to do the dishes and notice we are out of dishwasher detergent. Son of A F&$# B*%$!!

There is no way in hell I am taking my children to the store. So I decide to look on Pinterest! There has got to be some way I can make some sort of DIY detergent.

Yes there are 11,000 freaking ways to make homemade dishwasher detergents. I start scrolling and noticed I am being sucked in by the power of Pinterest. There must be some secret code written into these pins that hypnotize you. Why make a simple one time dishwasher detergent when you could make 100 eco friendly detergent tabs that smell like lemons and lavender. Yes Pinterest, you are right.  I need to make those, what was I thinking? I totally have time for that.

I find one I like, it has a pretty picture. Ok, ingredients, washing soda. WTF is washing soda?? It’s probably baking soda. Google, is washing soda and baking soda the same thing? No. But you can make washing soda by baking baking soda for an hour. Baking baking soda, are you kidding me?

What else do I need, silicone molds. Oh ok let me just pull those out. Who the hell has washing soda and silicone molds handy at all times? Who am I, Martha freakin’ Stewart?

Next, I do the only thing any married woman with kids would do, I call my mom. Mom do you have any washing soda and silicone molds? Uh, what’s that? I don’t know, it sounds like something old people should have on hand. No, I don’t think so. Crap.

Ok, back to Pinterest to find an easier way to make a quick detergent. I find one that instructs you to use two tablespoons of baking soda, and one teaspoon of dawn and run dishwasher as normal. Perfect I have those ingredients, let’s try it. I start the dishwasher then think, wait won’t the dawn make it all sudsy in here?

Text husband: We were out of dishwasher soap so I made some DIY stuff from Pinterest. I hope it doesn’t get messy. Haha.

He probably thinks, Why the hell did I marry this crazy lady?

It didn’t get messy. It actually kind of worked. I’m not going to lie I really want to make those homemade soaps. I probably won’t, but I want too. Maybe after a bottle of wine I’ll be inspired!

Are you a Pinterest DIY-er? Have you ever had any epic fails? Tell me in the comments!

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How to Clean Poop in 10 Easy Steps

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In my life as a Mom of two I end up cleaning up a lot of poop. I’m talking A LOT OF POOP. Whether it be my two year old pooping in his room, or my 4 month old blowing out her diaper. It’s poop all day every day. I decided to share how to handle this situation, the way a perfect mom would.

Okay, or at least how I would.

Let’s say your two year old just pooped all over his toys and the carpet in his bedroom. Here is how to clean it up in 10 easy steps.

Step 1: Grab a wine glass, fill that wine glass, take a large drink.

Step 2: Grab a  ton of paper towels, every cleaner you can find, and a plastic bag.

Step 3: Take another very large drink of wine

Step 4: Using paper towels grab all solid poopie that you can and insert into plastic bag.
(You may use gloves if you have any)

Step 5: Grab all toys covered in poo that do not need to be saved and insert into plastic bag.
(For me this is all of the toys- none of them are worth saving)

Step 6: Tie plastic bag, and sneak out of the house like you are smuggling 122 lbs of cocaine across the Mexican border. Insert bag into outside dumpster.

I repeat DO NOT GET CAUGHT!

Step 7: Wash hands, gag, and pour more wine.

Step 8: Spray whatever cleaner you have and half ass attempt to scrub poopie out of the carpet. Cover with a towel to “soak” then spray Febreze to cover the stench.

Step 9: Call husband to clean the rest. Tell him you tried your best but you just need him. It’ll make him feel wanted and needed.
(Trust me)

Step 10: Finish that wine, you deserve it.

A few extra tips: Remove Children from the room where the pooping happened. You don’t want to walk in on the two year old drawing a poop mustache on the baby.

That, my friends, is how to clean poopie out of your child’s room in 10 easy steps.

Thank you for reading! Do you have any poop horror stories? Let me know below!

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The Painful Truth About Breastfeeding

Wonderful, perfect, healthy breastfeeding. Or at least that’s how I see it. I am a huge advocate for breastfeeding. (Don’t worry.  I will never shame anyone for formula feeding.) It is, however, my hope that every woman who gives birth to a child at least tries. (Again, just my hope, not mad if you don’t.)

I love the bond that breastfeeding gives you and your baby. It’s a feeling I can’t describe. It’s a release of happiness and love. Knowing that your body is giving this baby everything he/she needs to stay healthy.

Here’s the thing. I love breastfeeding but there are some downsides. Everyone tells you what I just told you above, but rarely mention the other parts! So below I will give you a few examples of what’s actually going to happen, or at least what happened to me.

  1. Your poor nipples are going to bleed. Oh girl, that first time that baby latches on it will be pure bliss, then after a few more times you start to notice it hurts.  You take a look at your elongated nipples that now look like little worms and notice little blood blisters, skin peeling, and blood. OUCH! I mean, you may have let someone get rough with your nipples before, but to make them bleed?? Be sure to use that nipple cream.  Don’t be scared. Lather that stuff on girls.
  2. Your milk will come in. On top of having long, bloody, nipples, something else will happen to you. You are going to wake up about two days after having your baby and notice your hospital gown is soaking wet. You look down and there are puddles of milk on the floor.  Then sitting up you notice your boobs are slightly bigger, and by slightly I mean you went from an A cup to a XXX cup. Holy crap! You could knock someone out with those big ol’ things!
  3. Leaks. A week or two later you decide to run to the store. It takes three years, eight cups of coffee, and a xanax to get ready to take your baby into public. After arriving at the store, everything seems to be going smooth when a little old lady approaches you and says “sweetheart, you sprung a leak!” You look down and there are two huge wet spots over your massive boobies. Aaah! And you thought everyone was staring at your gigantic tatas! No, they were definitely not checking you and your unproportionally large fun bags out. Breast Pads ladies, don’t forget the breast pads. They will save you a ton of embarrassment.

If you come across any problems, breastfeeding, whether it be; baby not latching, pain, or any other problem. I strongly suggest contacting a lactation consultant! DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP! These women are AMAZING! They are angels sent down from Heaven to help you and your baby! If you ever feel like giving up just call one of these ladies and they will help you through any problems!

These are only just a few problems you will come across when breastfeeding. I’m sure I will be writing about 1,000 more posts on this subject alone. Do you have any breastfeeding stories? Any embarrassing times you sprung a leak? Tell me about it in the comments!

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He Peed in What?!

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Potty training: One of the hardest parts of having a toddler. When our son E was about 20 months old, we went into full potty training mode. We read all of the books and articles; talked to friends who were parents of both boys and girls; we got all of the best advice. When we felt we had done our due diligence, we dove in.

We decided to go the route of letting him run around naked. Completely ‘butt-neked’. He picked up on potty training pretty quick. I only had to scrub pee out of the floor and break out the Febreze a few times. In my world, I call that a win.

Even though he was doing pretty well, we still let him run around naked. It was convenient for him. He could just run to his potty without having to notify us. Let’s be honest. What toddler doesn’t love running around completely nude? It was a freedom for him, a freedom he had never known before.

One day, E and Daddy were playing. They were rolling around on the floor, playing like boys do. Daddy was laying on the floor and E was standing on top of him. All of the sudden, I hear Daddy start to scream. A scream that you don’t normally hear out of a grown man. He jumps up off of the floor, and continues to scream.

I look at E, and he is sitting on the floor laughing.

Me: What happened?

Daddy: AAAGGGGHHHHH YUCK AAAHHHH $&%*!!!

Me: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT?!

Daddy: He peed!!!

Me: AND?!

Daddy: HE PEED IN MY MOUTH!!!

That is when my supermom parenting skills kicked in. I handled the situation with grace and maturity.

Just kidding. I was in the floor within seconds, laughing so hard I could hardly breathe.

Poor E, just couldn’t quite control his wee. He was having too much fun and unaware he was about to give Daddy a little golden shower. When you gotta go, you gotta go, right?

My poor husband spent an hour brushing his teeth. At some point, I think he swished with bleach. By that time I had already peed my pants from laughing so hard. I do feel bad for Daddy, but better him than me.

Do you have potty training horror story? Tell me in the comments?

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